A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
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Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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