shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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