omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore