If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.