this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
