my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Enjoy the penises
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
