That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
