Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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