i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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