Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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