Soap is not a condiment
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
