my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
