My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
