in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
