I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
