Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
