I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
