I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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