wake up i wanna do it froggy style
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
