youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
