In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
