i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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