there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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