So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
