Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
