my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
