my phone needs a breathalizer
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
