awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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