Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My balls are so social today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize