just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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