I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
