you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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