I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
