You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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