when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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