I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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