If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
