Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
All the doctor said was why
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize