1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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