just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
