I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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