If that was your dad, he is hot
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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