now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
