my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
