put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
