just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
