Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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