Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
