Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
