I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
