dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
