Just cropdusted the office
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
