Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
