i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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