I just threw up on my dentist
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
