i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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