My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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