my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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