Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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