I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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