we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
