her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
