Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
