Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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